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Over the past century, psychologists have learned a great deal about how people grieve — and much of it is reassuring. Grief does not follow fixed stages in a neat order. It tends to come in waves. People move back and forth between facing the loss and attending to daily life, and both are healthy.
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Researchers have also found that staying connected to those who have died — telling their stories, marking their birthdays — is normal and often helpful, and that self-compassion eases guilt and depression after loss.
Lines marked “After” summarise research findings in plain words rather than quoting a single author.
For most people, grief slowly becomes more bearable with time and support. If it remains intense and disabling for a long time, a doctor or grief counsellor can help — effective treatments exist.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
— Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for MeaningEverything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms, to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances.
— Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for MeaningIn some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.
— Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for MeaningAnything that's human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.
— Fred RogersLook for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.
— Fred RogersThe curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
— Carl RogersSpeak to yourself as you would to a dear friend who is hurting.
— After Kristin Neff's self-compassion researchWe do not "get over" a great loss. We learn, slowly, to live alongside it.
— After Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David KesslerThe bond with those we love does not end at death; it changes its shape and stays with us.
— After continuing-bonds researchThe most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.
— Elisabeth Kübler-RossPeople are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
— Elisabeth Kübler-RossEach person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint.
— David KesslerFinding meaning after loss does not mean the loss was worth it. It means we carry love forward.
— After David KesslerSome things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.
— Megan DevineHealthy grieving moves back and forth: some time with the loss, some time with daily life. Both are part of healing.
— After the dual process model of grief (Stroebe & Schut)Grief does not shrink so much as life slowly grows around it.
— After Lois Tonkin's model of "growing around grief"Small actions often come before motivation, not after. Do one gentle thing, and let the feeling follow.
— After behavioural activation researchPutting a feeling into words can soften its grip.
— After research on affect labellingWriting about what hurts, even for a few minutes, can help the heart make sense of it.
— After James Pennebaker's research on expressive writingOne honest conversation can lighten a load that feels too heavy to carry alone.
— After social connection researchA slow breath out, longer than the breath in, tells the body it is safe to soften.
— After research on slow breathingMany people find, in time, that loss has deepened their compassion and their sense of what matters.
— After post-traumatic growth research (Tedeschi & Calhoun)Thoughts are not facts. You can notice a painful thought without obeying it.
— After cognitive therapyAnger in grief is love that has been wounded. It, too, can be held gently.
— After grief counselling practiceYou did the best you could with what you knew then. Love was always in the trying.
— After self-compassion researchNumbness is the mind's way of letting in only what we can bear. It will lift in its own time.
— After grief psychologyThe greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.
— Attributed to William JamesHindsight shows us things we could not have known at the time. Judge your past self by what you knew then.
— After research on hindsight biasLoneliness is a signal, like hunger: a sign that we need connection, not a sign that something is wrong with us.
— After research on lonelinessOn sleepless nights, rest still counts. Lying quietly and breathing slowly gives the body some of what it needs.
— After sleep researchWaves of grief around birthdays and anniversaries are normal. They are love remembering the calendar.
— After grief research on anniversariesEvery feeling, even anger, rises, peaks and passes like a wave, usually far sooner than we fear.
— After emotion researchMost people are more resilient than they expect. You may surprise yourself.
— After resilience research (George Bonanno)You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
— Jon Kabat-ZinnGrief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is the price you pay for love.
— Attributed to Earl Grollman
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