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“I should have called more.” “If only we had gone to the doctor sooner.” “I never told them.” Thoughts like these are among the most common parts of grief, and among the heaviest.
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Psychologists call part of this hindsight bias: looking back, we see clearly what was impossible to see at the time. Guilt can also be a way of holding on — as if, by going over the past, we might still change it. Neither means you failed the person you loved.
The words gathered here invite a gentler way of looking back: judging your past self by what you knew then, and remembering that love was present even on the days you fell short.
Some people find it helps to write a letter to the person they lost, saying what they wish they had said. Our guide on writing to someone you have lost walks through it gently.
Regret is love looking back with clearer eyes than it had at the time.
— The Quiet LightAnything that's human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.
— Fred RogersYou have a right to your actions, but never to their outcomes. Do your part, and let the rest go.
— After the Bhagavad Gita, 2.47A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
— Ecclesiastes 3:4 (KJV)Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together.
— Marcus Aurelius, MeditationsYou yourself, as much as anyone in the world, deserve your own love and kindness.
— Often attributed to the BuddhaWhat's gone and what's past help should be past grief.
— William Shakespeare, The Winter's TaleGod, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
— Reinhold Niebuhr, The Serenity PrayerLife can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
— Søren KierkegaardYou were human then, and you are human now. That is allowed.
— The Quiet LightThe curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
— Carl RogersDo your work with a steady mind, letting go of attachment to success or failure. Such evenness of mind is called yoga.
— After the Bhagavad Gita, 2.48Jesus wept.
— John 11:35 (KJV)Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.
— After EpictetusIf they could speak to you today, they would not want you to carry this blame.
— The Quiet LightSpeak to yourself as you would to a dear friend who is hurting.
— After Kristin Neff's self-compassion researchOne who does good never comes to a bad end.
— After the Bhagavad Gita, 6.40Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another.
— Colossians 3:13 (KJV)The love was real, even on the days you fell short.
— The Quiet LightWriting about what hurts, even for a few minutes, can help the heart make sense of it.
— After James Pennebaker's research on expressive writingWhatever is destined not to happen will not happen, try as you may. Whatever is destined to happen will happen, do what you may.
— Ramana MaharshiForgiving yourself is not forgetting. It is choosing to carry love instead of blame.
— The Quiet LightThoughts are not facts. You can notice a painful thought without obeying it.
— After cognitive therapyYou could not have known then what you know now.
— The Quiet LightYou did the best you could with what you knew then. Love was always in the trying.
— After self-compassion researchYou do not have to be gentle with the loss. Only with yourself.
— The Quiet LightHindsight shows us things we could not have known at the time. Judge your past self by what you knew then.
— After research on hindsight biasLaughter after loss is not betrayal. It is love, still alive in you.
— The Quiet LightStrength is not never falling. It is being gentle with yourself as you rise.
— The Quiet LightSome questions do not have answers. You are allowed to rest without them.
— The Quiet Light