Sleep is often one of the first things grief disturbs. Many people find it hard to fall asleep, wake in the early hours and cannot drift off again, or sleep for long stretches yet still wake exhausted. Nights can be the loneliest time of all, especially if you used to share a bed.
If this is happening to you, you are not alone, and it usually improves with time. Meanwhile, here are some gentle ideas that may help.
Why grief affects sleep
Grief places the body under real strain. Stress hormones, a restless mind and changes to daily routine all affect sleep. Quiet nights also leave more space for memories, worries and “what ifs” to surface. And if the person you lost shared your bedroom, the empty side of the bed can be a painful reminder.
Understanding that this is a normal response can take away some of the worry about not sleeping — which itself can keep us awake.
Gentle habits for better nights
- Keep regular times. Try to get up at roughly the same time each morning, even after a poor night. This helps the body find its rhythm again.
- Get daylight early. Ten or fifteen minutes outdoors in the morning helps set the body clock.
- Move a little each day. A short walk, gentle stretching or gardening can improve sleep, as long as it is not right before bed.
- Go easy on caffeine and alcohol. Tea, coffee and cola after lunchtime can keep you awake. Alcohol may help you drop off but often causes waking in the night.
- Create a wind-down routine. A warm drink (without caffeine), a bath, soft music or a few pages of a gentle book can signal that the day is ending.
If you wake in the night
Waking at two or three in the morning is very common in grief. Some ideas for those long hours:
- Try slow breathing. Breathe in for a count of four and out for a count of six. Our breathing guide explains this step by step.
- Remember that rest still counts. Lying quietly with your eyes closed, breathing slowly, gives your body some of the rest it needs, even if you do not fall asleep.
- Get up if you have been awake a long time. If you have been lying awake for what feels like more than twenty minutes, it can help to get up, sit somewhere comfortable in low light, and do something calm until you feel sleepy.
- Write it down. Keep a notebook by the bed. Writing down worries or thoughts about your loved one can help your mind let go of them until morning.
- Avoid bright screens. The light from phones and tablets can make it harder to get back to sleep.
The empty bed
Some people find comfort in keeping things exactly as they were. Others find it helps to make small changes — sleeping on the other side, rearranging pillows, or using a soft blanket or one of their loved one's jumpers. Some sleep better with a radio or audiobook playing quietly. There is no right or wrong; do what brings you comfort.
Dreams about the person who died
Many people dream about their loved one. These dreams can be comforting, unsettling, or both. Waking from a dream in which they were alive can bring a fresh wave of grief. This is a normal part of the process. Some people find it helps to write their dreams down, or to talk about them with someone they trust.
When to see a doctor
Disturbed sleep is common in grief, but if it continues for several weeks and is affecting your ability to cope during the day, it is worth talking to your doctor. Do also seek help if you are feeling very low, hopeless, or are relying on alcohol or sleeping tablets to get through the night. Talking therapies for insomnia are very effective, and your doctor can help you find the right support.
For a few gentle words when you cannot sleep, you might like our collection of quotes for grief exhaustion.