Many people expect grief to follow a predictable path: a series of stages, ending in “acceptance” and “moving on.” When their own grief does not look like this, they may worry that they are doing it wrong.
The truth is that grief is far more personal and less tidy than that. This guide explains what grief researchers have learned — and why it is often reassuring.
Where the “five stages” came from
The well-known five stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance — come from psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's 1969 book On Death and Dying. She was describing the experiences of people facing their own terminal illness, not people grieving the death of someone else.
Kübler-Ross herself later explained that the stages were never meant to be a neat, linear sequence. Many people never experience some of them, or feel several at once, or move back and forth. They can be a helpful vocabulary for feelings, but not a timetable.
Grief comes in waves
Most grieving people describe something more like waves. In the early days, the waves may be enormous and come very close together. Over time, they usually become less frequent and less overwhelming — though a song, a smell or an anniversary can still bring a large wave years later.
This is normal. A sudden wave of grief long after a loss does not mean you have gone backwards. It means you loved deeply, and something touched that love.
Moving back and forth is healthy
Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut proposed what they called the dual process model of grief. They observed that healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between two kinds of activity:
- Facing the loss — crying, remembering, looking at photographs, feeling the pain.
- Attending to daily life — handling practical tasks, trying new things, taking breaks from grief, even enjoying yourself.
Both are important. Taking a break from grief to watch a favourite programme or laugh with a friend is not denial or disloyalty — it is part of how people cope.
Life grows around grief
Grief counsellor Lois Tonkin described a helpful picture. Many people expect grief to shrink over time. Instead, she suggested, the grief often stays much the same size — but life gradually grows around it. New experiences, relationships and routines make the world larger, so that the grief takes up proportionally less space, even though it never fully disappears.
Many bereaved people find this more honest and comforting than the idea of “getting over” a loss.
Staying connected is normal
For much of the twentieth century, people were often told that healthy grieving meant “letting go” of the person who died. Research in the 1990s on continuing bonds challenged this. It found that many people maintain a lasting, healthy connection with their loved ones — talking to them, keeping their belongings, honouring their values, telling their stories.
Staying connected in these ways is not a sign of being stuck. For many, it is a source of comfort and meaning.
Common experiences in grief
Grief affects the whole person. It is common to experience:
- sadness, crying, or feeling numb
- anger, guilt, anxiety or relief (especially after a long illness)
- tiredness, poor sleep, changes in appetite
- difficulty concentrating or remembering things
- a tight chest, aches or a lump in the throat
- sensing the person's presence, or dreaming of them
- questioning faith or the meaning of life
All of these are normal responses to loss.
When grief needs extra support
For most people, grief slowly becomes more bearable over months and years, especially with support from family, friends and community. For some, however, grief remains intense and disabling for a long time. In 2022, the American Psychiatric Association recognised prolonged grief disorder, and it is also included in the World Health Organization's ICD-11. It describes grief that stays very intense, long after the loss, and seriously interferes with daily life.
The good news is that effective, specialised treatments exist. Please talk to your doctor or a grief counsellor if, a long time after your loss, you still feel unable to accept the death, feel that life has no meaning, or find it very hard to function. And if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, contact a crisis line or emergency services straight away.
Be patient with yourself
There is no right way and no right time. Your grief is as unique as your relationship with the person you lost. Be as patient with yourself as you would be with a dear friend.
For gentle words along the way, explore our collection of quotes about hope and healing, or the insights from grief psychology.