The first year after a death is full of difficult “firsts”: the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first Christmas, Diwali, Eid, Thanksgiving or New Year, and eventually the first anniversary of the death itself. For many people, the days leading up to these dates are even harder than the day itself.
There is no right way to handle them. This guide offers some gentle ideas, so you can choose what feels right for you.
Expect the build-up
Grief often rises in the days and weeks before a significant date. You might feel more tired, tearful, irritable or anxious without quite knowing why. Grief researchers sometimes call these “anniversary reactions”, and they are completely normal — even years later.
Knowing this in advance can help. Be extra gentle with yourself in the lead-up. Keep plans light, rest when you can, and let close friends know it is a hard time.
Make a simple plan
Uncertainty can make a difficult day feel even harder. It often helps to decide ahead of time, roughly, how you would like to spend it — while leaving room to change your mind.
- Decide who you want to be with. Some people want family around; others prefer quiet time alone. Both are fine.
- Have an escape route. If you go to a gathering, it is okay to arrive late, leave early or step outside for some air.
- Plan something for the evening. Evenings can be especially hard. A phone call, a favourite film or a warm bath can give the day a gentle ending.
Keep some traditions, change others
Traditions can bring comfort, but they can also be painful reminders of who is missing. You do not have to do everything the way it has always been done.
Some families keep the most meaningful traditions and quietly let others go for a year. Others try something completely different — eating out instead of cooking, travelling, or spending the day volunteering. You can always return to old traditions later.
Ways to remember them
Many people find that including their loved one in the day, rather than avoiding the subject, makes it feel more bearable. Grief psychologists call this keeping a “continuing bond” — a healthy, lasting connection with the person who has died.
- Light a candle for them at the table or by their photograph.
- Cook their favourite meal, or make a recipe they were known for.
- Ask everyone to share a favourite memory or a funny story.
- Visit a place you loved together, or their grave or memorial.
- Write them a short letter or card.
- Give to a charity they cared about, or do a small kindness in their name.
- Play the music they loved.
When other people seem to forget
It can hurt deeply when friends or family do not mention your loved one on an important day. Usually this is not because they have forgotten, but because they are afraid of upsetting you. It is okay to tell people what you would like: “It would mean a lot if you mentioned Dad on his birthday.” Most people are relieved to know.
Be gentle with mixed feelings
You may find moments of real joy on a special day — laughing with grandchildren, enjoying a meal — followed by guilt for feeling happy. Please know that laughter after loss is not betrayal. Joy and grief can sit side by side, and the person you have lost would almost certainly want warmth for you.
Equally, if the day is simply sad, that is alright too. You do not have to perform cheerfulness for anyone.
Afterwards
Many people are surprised to find that the day itself was more manageable than the anticipation. Others feel drained for a few days afterwards. Plan a quiet day or two to recover if you can.
If you would like a few words to read on a special day, our collection of quotes about memories of loved ones is a good place to start.